Joe's Christmas list

Father's Day is coming. So is Flag Day. Independence Day. National Catfish Day (June 25 - go look it up, disbeliever, and honor the catfish). Any of these would be a good reason to get me a Beer Holster. And if you don't think that's generous enough, you can include a half-dozen man-roses. Preferably micro-brewed man-roses.

Lazy? Obviously. Loaded with disposable cash? Apparently. Blessed with common sense? Nope.

Well, the Idrolux Tanning Shower is for you. Slap on the cocoa butter, jump in the shower, flip on the tanning light (which probably doubles as a mosquito killer, saving you from getting malaria in the bathroom, so maybe there is one plus), and by the time you've soaped up your nether regions, they'll be golden brown. Or order with a different light if you prefer your gonads to have that ruddy, outdoorsman look.

But if you're the type to want one of these, is there any chance that anybody's going to admire for all-over tan, no matter how clean it is?

Although I do aspire to someday have an office of my own in which I can fart to my heart's content, I currently share a cozy duplex cubicle with <gasp> a polite lady! No one-cheek-sneaks for me.

But wait... Now there's theFlat-D "Your Safe Chair" charcoal-powered seat cover! Now, if I can just get something to cover up the sound.