Joe's Christmas list

It's a little annoying that the title of this web page (check that top bar of your browser) is something like "ThermoWorks – Thermapen – Residential Use. We are temperature experts thermometer thermapen haccp probe calibration fast quick accurate measurement" just to get some extra keywords in the search engines. Doesn't the meta-name tag work anymore? This sounds like one of those Japanese-direct-translation screw-ups.

Anyway, I'm not a bad cook. It just somehow seems that everything is either undercooked or overcooked. I've tried keeping closer track of the timing. I've tried putting a thermometer in the oven. I've tried the short-order cook method of comparing the feel of the food to parts of your face. But it's still hit-or-miss.

Enter the Thermapen. Thermocouples, not thermistors - that's the answer! (Yes, I'm a big enough geek to know the difference) Accurate readings in seconds. No more hockey pucks on a bun. No more trying to piece dinner back together to put it back on the grill.

Christmas is coming, and this is Joe's Christmas List. Please, think of my wife and kids!

So let's say you've been reading along. Some of my posts may have driven you to drink, then along came the Uber Tap (wish I knew how to get an umlaut over that 'U'). Better think twice before getting in that VW Beetle and ending up just another bug on some semi's windshield.

Or better yet, don't think about it. Just get yourself The Sobrietor and get sentenced to sobriety. Ouch. I can't believe I typed that.

Anybody seen my beer?

It's not just because of my undying love for the umlaut (go ahead and click if you doubt me) that I discovered the Uber Tap. It may have something to do with beer.

Now the keg line can move three times as fast, allowing you to avoid those tense moments when you think "Oh, man, one more beer and I'm really going to hurl!" Now, just get the beer and hurl!

Just don't puke close to the keg. That's where 3 of your buddies will be lying down with the 3 taps in their mouths seeing who can suck the most back without passing out. Or peeing.

Tired of cold feet on the bathroom floor during those 3AM trips to unload some of last night's beer, but can't afford a heated floor and still buy expensive microbrews?

Tired of smacking your toes into the doors and walls because you couldn't find the light switch in your drunken stupor?

Then Bright Feet are for you!

I'd like to get a little more details on the "weight sensitive" feature. Are they brighter if you've overeaten a little?

Check 'em out and order me up a pair of large navy slippers at Bright Feet.

I think I could wear these. No, I don't wear a suit to work, but I go to enough weddings that a nice pair of ICuffs could be nice.

I do have a couple of problems with the whole marketing of these things:

• Empower1ng, F1rst, 1mpress1on. Enough w1th the ones. 1 mean, do 1 really want to see them? And what about replacing the letter 'o' with a zero?
  
• Is Money Green really a Crayola-authorized color? And does the color on the website look anything like money?
  
• Thankfully, we have yet another way to spell "KuL."
  
• Apparently, these guys don't read any other marketing material. None. Ever. Otherwise, I can't imagine why the 'I' is capitalized. "iKuffs" would be so much more hip.
  

So, what are you waiting for? Order me some. Christmas is coming!